Protect the Picnic
A Public Safety Initiative of the Cottagecore Threat Assessment Bureau
Geese are coming. Click them. Protect your picnic. This is not a drill.
🦆
They're already in the meadow.
📋 Incident Log:
| Rank | Defender | Score | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Captain Whiskers (cat) | 47 | Pounced on screen. Broke monitor. Worth it. |
| 2 | Brenda from HR | 32 | "I treat geese like I treat expense reports." |
| 3 | A Very Focused Toddler | 28 | Unclear if playing intentionally. Still counts. |
| 4 | Harold Q. Balustrade | 3 | Got distracted counting steps. |
| 5 | Fernanda the Fern | 0 | Has no hands. Brave attempt regardless. |
CLASSIFICATION: COTTAGE-CORE // EYES ONLY // MEADOW CLEARANCE REQUIRED
Subject: Escalating goose incursions in pastoral recreation zones.
Summary: Since Q3 of last year, goose activity near picnic areas has increased by 340%. Intelligence suggests they are organized. They have a leader. We believe it is a goose named Gerald. Gerald has been seen carrying what appears to be a tiny clipboard.
Threat Assessment: The geese want your sandwich. They want your pie. They want your lemonade. Most alarmingly, field reports indicate they also want your dignity. They will make eye contact while taking it.
Recommended Action: Click-based defense remains our most effective countermeasure. Do not attempt to reason with the geese. They cannot be reasoned with. Gerald tried to file a counter-complaint last week. We are looking into it.
Status: ONGOING. The meadow remains contested territory.